‘Sex Talk: In Search of Love and Romance’ by Thai author Kaewmala gives, using Thai words and phrases, insight in Thai romantic and erotic culture written from a Thai woman’s perspective. The book answers questions about the language of love in a dual sense and the culture of courtship in Thailand. Her opinions about Thai social and political life can be found on her blog ‘Thai Women Talks’ and her contributions to the blog SiamVoices on Asian Correspondent.
About me
I am a woman from Northern Thailand, now officially resident of Bangkok. Happily married, living with husband and five dogs. No children of my own, but several disadvantaged but remarkable children whom I support and mentor, who call me “mother.”
What makes you tick?
Many things. Being with my husband who makes me think and laugh and playing with my dogs give me daily joy. Interesting people, stimulating conversations, travel, books that transport me to another plane of existence, captivate me. Keeping up with current affairs is an important part of my daily routine, which is proving to be increasingly too consuming; I feel I’m perpetually about to fall into the digital vortex, barely hanging on my husband’s fingers and my dogs’ paws. Being able to help make lives better for those in difficulties, especially children, gives me immense satisfaction and an affirmation that my life is not totally useless.
What makes you mad or sad?
Injustice and indifference to injustice.
Your English is amazing, how did you learn the language?
Thank you. I was lucky to have attended good secondary schools (private Christian schools in Thailand) which gave me a good foundation in English language. I was able to read, write and speak English quite well by the time I finished high school. In my early years of learning, I was also not too shy to talk with foreigners or too lazy to open the dictionary when I didn’t know a word. I sang English songs, learned the lyrics, read English-language books and papers, etc. Basically it’s the matter of using it a lot and continuing to expand the vocabulary. Even now I continue to use the dictionary and the thesaurus when I write. I’ve been using English on the daily basis for over 20 years, including 10 years of studying and working in the US. Given that many years of practice, it would be disappointing if my English were anything less than decent, no?
You write under a pseudonym. Why is that?
Because I have a job in which I need to maintain an appearance of political neutrality and my real name is used in official publications. It’s just easier to keep my official work and my leisure writings separate.
Can you give a quick recap of what Sex Talk is about?
Sex Talk is a guidebook to a sexual culture and takes you on a journey to explore sexuality in Thai culture, and the vehicle taking you there is the Thai language. You can get more description of the book here.
Why did you write Sex Talk?
Human relations are interesting at both societal and personal levels. I have long been interested in gender relations which concern sexuality. But in Thai society sexuality doesn’t get enough serious in-depth discussion. Thai sexual hypocrisy also annoys me. So it’s probably my rebellious tendency combined with my long-standing interest that drove me to write this book.
In Thai society, sexuality is not openly discussed. How did you do your research?
I had enough sense not to pry into people’s bedroom. ☺ Seriously, I approached the subject more from the cultural and linguistic perspectives so I didn’t really need to pry into people’s bedrooms. I combed through mostly dictionaries and written sources, for words, concepts and expressions related to sexuality. I grouped them into categories and then proceeded to deconstruct each word/expression. I tried to write a coherent explanation for each and put the explanations together according to a theme for each chapter and that became a book. You can find some excerpts from each chapter here.
Do you plan to write any other books?
Yes. I actually had a plan to write a trilogy of Sex Talk. Book 1 (In search of Love and Romance) has been written. Book 2 and Book 3 are yet to be written. The way I planned it, Book 2 is to focus on the erotic - the act of love in Thai culture and Book 3 more on the wider social aspects of sexuality. But since Book 1 has been published, I’ve got sidetracked and busy with other things and haven’t got around to follow that up. I’m not sure how Book 2 will be received, given a reluctant reception of even Book 1 which is the mildest. A bookstore of a famous (and conservative) university refused to carry it just because of the title. Other books I plan to write are about Thai idioms and slangs.
For Valentine’s occasion, there’s a special collection (available as Kindle e-book): “Sweet Talk for Thai Sweetheart.” This is a tidy collection of Valentine’s-appropriate expressions from my Sex Talk and Christopher G. Moore’s Heart Talk.
So what are you writing about?
The blog is entitled “Thai Woman Talks Politics, Language and Love.” That’s exactly what it’s about. At different times, there may be a different focus. Recent articles are more political.
What inspired you to start writing your blog?
I enjoy writing and making social commentaries. Put the two together and I got the blog.
What do you hope to achieve with your blog? Do you have a goal?
The goal of my blog is slightly different from that of my website which is closely connected to the book. The thaisextalk.com website aims to bridge the gap of understanding about love, romance and sexuality in Thai culture especially among English-speaking foreigners. But for my blog, I don’t really have a clear goal. I wrote the articles on the blog because I simply wanted to. Originally the blog was meant to compliment the website but as it turned out it became a writing outlet for me. And I do enjoy sharing my ideas with people.
What is the most negative& what is the most positive thing that has happened?
I think the most negative thing for a blog would be that no one at all is interested in reading it. Fortunately, there’re always some people coming to read my blog every day. I don’t care too much really about getting a huge traffic or make money from it. If I did I would have put more effort into it and written more regularly, but as it is it’s a leisure activity and I write only when I can or feel the need to. The most positive thing is that many people find some of the things that I write worthwhile. They have told me my articles and perspectives have helped them understand some aspects of Thai culture better. And that’s a good enough reward for me.
Among all the articles on my blog it seems that this article about Thai women gets a lot of readership and shared quite widely. It’s my take on what Thai women want in a relationship and with regard to money. My humorous article about weird Thai nicknames is also popular.
The worst thing that has ever happened relating to my blog --which is really not a big deal--is that somebody accused me of plagiarism. Ironically, this claim was made on a forum which republished my article in its entirety without permission from me or notification to me. A reader of that forum said that article couldn’t have been written by a Thai woman and that he saw that article before somewhere else. I had a fun time writing about that episode in this article: “Thai women, me and the monkey’s uncle.”
What makes your blog stand out from other similar blogs?
I’m not sure. Perhaps the fact that I’m a Thai woman writing about sexuality.
Are there any other Thai women writers with similar blogs?
Maybe, I haven't really looked. On a website similar to mine written in English, there's asiansweetheart.net which focuses on Thai-farang relationship catering to western men. There are lots of blogs by Thai women but the majority are in Thai, and I haven't explored enough to be able to give you any detailed information.
What is the worst and what is the best thing about living in Thailand?
Thailand has a lot of the best to offer, many of which are the nice, tangible and necessary things in life. The great and abundant food, the delectable fruits all year round, the ease of getting oneself fed (especially when one is unable or unwilling to cook), and the affordable help in getting the ordinary things in day-to-day life done (shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc.). I always miss these the most when I’m not in Thailand.
The not so good part is by and large intangible but ever-present. The face culture, the general inability to separate between the personal and the public, personalities and principles, irritates me to no end. But the worst to me is the general lack of empathy in Thai society. Thais are known for our hospitality, and indeed we are very hospitable to our guests and very generous with our friends and family, but for the most part Thais lack the wider, social empathy for those beyond close circles of family and friends.
The obliviousness to where one stands in society literally and figuratively and how one’s personal conduct affects others and the larger society often makes me want to kick my fellow countrymen and women’s behinds - I take it back, this irritating part is arguably tangible. Their behinds become especially apparent - temptingly tangible - when they leisurely stroll in front of you in a pack of 2, 3 or 4, on the busy sidewalks as if in a park, stand firmly rooted in the center of public escalators, block the BTS/MRT exits when people (me) need to get out, or drive as if they were rushing to an appointment in the afterlife (and taking everyone in their way with them). I can go on, but you get the idea.
The lack of empathy in bigger things is more troubling and more consequential, like lack of appreciation for others’ rights and dignity as equal citizens and human beings. The growing hostility and intolerance towards different views in a large segment of Thai society is also making living in Thailand rather uncomfortable at present.
Why do you think foreigners move to Thailand?
There are all kinds of foreigners in Thailand and I would think different people have their own different reasons. But the food, the fruits and the ease in daily life surely must be part of the attractions for many.
Do you have foreign friends? Do you think Thai often make foreign friends?
Yes, I have many foreign friends from many countries. That’s one reason I like about living in Bangkok. It’s diverse and cosmopolitan. My husband is not Thai, so naturally his friends have also expanded my circle of foreign friends. Most of my Thai friends also have foreign friends. Thai people are generally friendly to foreigners. And I think Thais who don’t develop relationship with foreigners probably lack opportunities or have language and cross-cultural barriers. These days more and more Thais are comfortable with foreigners and cross-cultural friendship is very common.
What advice would you have for those considering moving to Thailand?
I think expats are more qualified to answer this question than I am. As a Thai, I’d say weigh carefully the pros and the cons. I think any country is livable if one is willing to adapt. Thailand is not unique in that it has a mixture of the good and the bad as well as the crazy. While the good may attract you, the bad and the crazy will offend, irritate and confound you. It depends on what you are looking for and what you are willing to put up with.
Thailand is still a male dominated society but times are changing. What's your opinion about this?
Thai women have always been socially and economically active. The areas in which Thai women have not enjoyed full opportunities are politics, government administration (at all levels), religious vocation, and leadership. As you said, this is changing - slowly in my view. I recently wrote about our first woman prime minister:
* “The first Thai female prime minister and Thai feminists”
* “The message or the accent - Hillary and Yingluck’s first meeting”
Like in most diverse societies, the situation of Thai women is complex. Thai women aren’t just one unified entity. The socio-economic class, regional and ethnic dimensions are very significant. Lately, the political dimension has also added to the mix. Another recent article of mine on Thai women may offer an insight into some of these complexities: “Bangkok feminists, where are you?”. If you are interested, here’s a link to several articles I’ve written on my blog about Thai women.
Regarding more women expats in Thailand, I am very happy about that. More women will change the dynamics of expat community for the better. Thailand has had disproportionately more expat men, and therefore expat culture in Thailand has been lopsidedly male—some of which admittedly isn’t very palatable to many females local and expat alike. Expat women’s presence will help improve the gender balance in the expat community, and add to the richness in the cultural interactions among locals and expats.
What can Thai and foreign women learn from each other?
I’m not quite sure how to answer the question. Thai or foreign, we are women. Fundamentally the way women are wired, whatever our culture, is more similar than not. As for our different cultural upbringing, I think it makes sharing more interesting and beneficial, specifically the way our society socializes us, expects us to behave in family, in relationship and at work. There are both advantages and disadvantages in the way things are done in different societies. We can share advantages and pitfalls, learn to adopt the former and avoid the latter from one another.
You see many foreign men – Thai women couples but not so many foreign women seem to date Thai men. Many single foreign women actually complain that Thailand is a man dessert. What is your opinion about this?
Since I am not an expat woman I can’t really give a very insightful answer. I have heard the complaint and sympathize. The problem (for expat women) is that many expat men still find Thai women “exotic” and hence are drawn to them, while increasingly more Thai women are willing to have relationship with foreign men. It doesn’t help that not many Thai men are actively looking for a relationship with foreign women (do foreign women find Thai men attractive?). However, I think this is changing also. I see more and more young expat couples who have met here in Thailand, and hopefully Thai men (and foreign women) will become more adventurous (with one another).
If you are interested in more nuances of Thai sexuality and Thai-farang romance, I gave an audio interview to BangkokPodcast here.
Sexual freedom, especially for women, is not as accepted in Thailand as it appears to be. What is your opinion about this?
There’s perception and there’s reality when it comes to Thai sexual culture, and the two don’t match. This goes for both foreigners and Thais.
Among foreigners, those who don’t know Thailand well beyond its sexy reputation tend to assume that Thai women are sexually available. Of course, anyone who’s had some contact with Thais outside of tourist centers knows that this is often not the case. Thais, especially the middle class, are very conservative and sexual conservatism is mostly reserved for women. Thai men have mia nois and girlfriends, and buy sexual services at all kinds of establishments, and few eyebrows are raised. If Thai women did the same, the Thai equivalent of the Scarlet letter would be branded on their forehead. See more on this aspect here.
Among Thais, there’s a different kind of cultural misconception that Thai culture is pure and Thai women (as a key representation of the culture) are or should be pure. Of course, this borders on delusion on a massive scale. I’m not saying that Thai women are impure, but the idealized version of Thai women and the real Thai women are apart by a few centuries. Real-life Thai women are diverse, active, and more than one dimensional, unlike the old, moldy, cardboard version of the Thai feminine ideal which looks suspiciously like the English feminine ideal from the Victorian era. It’s part of the peculiar Thai culture ideal that Thai officials always try fruitlessly to enforce against reality and common sense. I discussed an aspect of this in an interview in an article, which you may find interesting, “Only taboo when it’s inconvenient”, and also wrote a long article which gives a historical and cultural background on the Thai cultural delusion involving female representation: “Toplessness in Thai culture - The mammary truth.”
What do you think about a website like Chicky Net? Do women in Thailand really need their own social networking site?
I think it is fantastic! I am not yet a member of Chicky Net but from browsing I can see that it’s a vibrant online community. You’ve got some really good and useful content. The Phuket forum seems to be particularly active.
Do Thai women need our own social networking site? I’m not really sure. I used to believe so strongly and even took some steps to start one but the business of life and making a living got in the way and I scrapped the project. I still think, though, that Thai women can benefit from online forums where we can discuss more substantive issues concerning Thai women, where Thai women from different sectors of society can connect. The problem with Thai society, Thai women included, is not so much that we don’t have a place - online or off line - to meet. We are very active in social media. The problem is that there is a disconnect across the classes and social-political interests - people get together only with the likeminded and this further pronounces the social chasms (this is the phenomenon that’s occurring everywhere). I’m not sure to what extent a Thai-women only social networking site will answer to this problem.
Anything else you would like to mention?
I’ll be happy to answer any other questions Chicky Net members might have for me. But of course, as I always say, I can only speak for myself. Thanks for your questions. ☺
